My Last Cigarette

UPDATE: I have enrolled in a quit and win program at the U of M and part of that is I have to submit  urine sample before I start to quit. The first opportunity I have for this is October 3 so I need to keep my smoking levels the same until then. I am serious about quiting, but I want to do this program the way it is intended.

So this post is all about me. me, Me, ME. When I started this blog  the goal was to grow myself as a writer and an artist. It was meant to be a place where I can form my opinions as a writer and then hopefully have those those opinions scrutinized by the public. I never believed I had all of the answer to anything and I hoped to form a discussion around my opinions to grow as a writer and develop as an artist. That being said today's post is not about any of that. Today's post is my first step in my own personal therapy to hopefully break once and for all from the grip of Tobacco (which I have heard is more addictive than Heroin). Please bear with me.

Why I starting smoking

There is a long list of reasons of why I have started smoking. I think it will be good to truly list some of them off to work through how I fell into this unhealthy habit:

• I started smoking because I fell in love. I was in love with an amazing individual. I thought at the time she was the closest to a soul mate I will ever get. One of the many barriers that prevented us from being together was smoking. She was a smoker and I thought it was a nasty and unhealthy habit. Needless to say after the multiple dozens of times of joining her outside so she could smoke I finally joined her. One of the excuses I always gave myself of why I started was it was love that made me fall into smoking and it will be love that would get me out. 

• I started smoking for camaraderie. I love the smoking community. I thought it was amazing that I could go up to a complete stranger as ask to bum a cigarette and 9 times out of 10 they would give me a cigarette no questions asked. There were conversations and whole friendships I would not have if it wasn't for smoking. Of the smokers I have encountered in my life, they seems to be some of the most open, accepting and understanding people in my life. 

• The world is a very fucked up place. I am a very passionate individual who is very aware and focused on what is going on in the world. It bothers me that there are so many bad people in the world working to keep the masses down and oppressed. I look at my country and see the crumbling roads, an education system in shambles, a shrinking middle class, and   poverty more wide-spread in this country than it has been in decades. It drives me crazy that more of my peers don't seem to care. They are more interested and excited about Kate Middleton's tits or what a Kardashian is up to than the people dying in the streets. All of this  awareness and frustration with society got me into a place where I was insanely stressed out and depressed way too often. In the beginning cigarettes calmed my nerves. They were a way to cope and deal with the status quo. The deeper I got into smoking however the less chemical returns I got out of each cigarette. My self-medication wasn't working, but it became harder and harder to stop.

• The anti-smoking campaign significantly contributed to my continued unhealthy habit. Smoking has been wiped out of our media in this country. Only movie villains, Europeans, and Arabs are allowed to smoke in our country's media anymore. In Anti-smoking PSA's smokers are   portrayed as awful people who are rotting society. 

(Because smokers of the world are the walking dead...WTF?)

There is a specific story I want to share to illustrate this mentality shift in America. I was handing out flyers for a U of M show last year. I had been standing in the freezing cold for two hours with a bird beak and a protest sign.  After the cold, the humiliation, and the level rejection I had dealt with, with the hundreds of people ignoring my stump speech to "Come see the birds" I took a 3 minute break to smoke a cigarette. While I was doing that I had a lady come up and inform me that I was killing myself. A  complete stranger I didn't know just inform me that I was going to die because I was ignorant enough to take up such an unhealthy habit. Who was she to so openly and publicly judge my life habits? 

America has been beaten over the head in the school systems, in the media, and legislatively with how bad smoking is. Everyone is fully aware. In my year of smoking people who didn't like my unhealthy habit never asked why. Why did I chose to pump poison into my lungs? It was just assumed I was a bad person, ignorant, or hated myself. Smokers are people too.

Now that I have laid out some of the reasons I want to explain why I am quitting. 

• It's unhealthy. I have noticed physically things I used to be able to do that I can no longer do because I am short of breath. Not to mention the dirty six letter word (CANCER). 

• Its time consuming. If I added up all of the time and energy I have wasted going out to smoke, smoking, or going out of my way to buy my next pack it really is disgusting. I have a very busy life and every night there is a long list of things I wish I had time to do that I never get to. I was prioritizing nicotine over homework, friendships, reading, video games ect. As I get older and gain more responsibility I realize how little time we really have in this life and I don't want to waste it on a habit that kills.
• It is expensive. I went through roughly two packs a week. That is a lot of money, and I was never that heavy of a smoker. I can't even fathom the cost if I smoked a pack a day or two a day. 

• The chemistry wasn't working. I start smoking to escape and try to deal with the stress and depression in my life, but the more I smoked the less return I got. I found myself thinking more and more about when I would get my next fix instead of learning in class, attempting to write, or working on my acting. 

Now that I am attempting to climb out of this pit I have put myself in there are a few things I hope to never forget. I will never forget the judgement I felt from people because I smoked. I will never think less of a person because they smoke. If I end up in a position where I am with someone and they're smoking I will do my best to ask them WHY instead of preaching to them the same old song and dance they have heard their entire life. 

So this is my first step. It has been hard to come to this point. I have had all this pressure from friends, family, society, and significant others to quit. I am not doing this for them though. I am doing this for me and my health. That being said I will need help. I have tried to phase out of smoking before and it is so easy to fall back into this rut. I open the floodgates to your judgement now. Please if you see me smoking smack that shit out of my hand. Remind me of all of the reasons of why I quit. I want to be better than this and I plan on reading this brain dump every time I want to go and buy a pack of 'Mokies. 

That is pretty much it. I don't want to be celebrated for this decision just as I don't want to be looked down on for when I did smoke. This is entirely personal and I want people to view me as a person, not as a smoker or nonsmoker. 

Peace,

Will

Where in the world is Will?

Hey folks,

I am blowing the dust off these keys, as I write my first post in a very, long time. I started this blog as a way for me to grow and develop as a writer. I really wanted my opinion and views about subjects to be put up agianst the scrutiny of the interwebs. I was naive at best starting this little project. I had no idea the amount of time I would need to commit to this project.

Although Naivety is my reason for this blog not getting the proper attention it deserves it is by no means an excuse. I know there are people out there would look forward to reading my blog and responding (in concurrence or dissent) to my opinions. I would like to bring out the same old promises of "my consistency will be better" "I am committed to this project" blah blah blah. All of you that have stuck with me and believed in me have heard these sorry songs before.

With all of that being said I will show you the same respect that you have shown me. I still believe in this blog. I believe in the power and resonating effect it has had in my very small corner of the interweb. It has not been and will continue to not be my primary focus.

I am back to school now (or University as they would say in Europe). Already on my plate for this semester is two shows, BA mentoring, 20 credits, and various socialist activities. If that wasn't enough to keep me from being bored I have venture into a bold new project. I will get into that in a sec but first let me finish here.

Basically what I am saying is do not expect a lot out of this blog for the foreseeable future. This is   my very back burner thing after school, theatre, socialism and my new project. I HOPE (and yes that promise of hope is just as empty as the HOPE promised in 2008) to post something at least once a week.

Well on that downer note let's move to something exciting and new!


Cinefiles Anonymous

So me and two of my friends have decided to wade into the tides of the internet. We are launching a film podcast reviewing current films, making a top 5, and having a larger genre discussion among the panel. Now I know what you are thinking, there is about 1000 film podcast around the world why is this one any different?

Well there are several key differences that I would love to get into:

• Our podcast will pull absolutely no punches. We are not afraid to tear apart a critically successful and popular film (see The Dark Knight Rises in episode 1). 

• We don't believe in spoilers. You cannot fully evaluate the artistic merits of a film unless you talk about the whole product. Art critics do not review only sketches or first drafts of paintings because they don't want to ruin the surprise of the Mona Lisa. 
• Our Top 5 is completely unique to our show. I don't want to ruin the surprises of our top five, but suffice to say that there is a time limit as well as a competitive nature among the hosts to the top five that is not experienced anywhere on the internet.
• We have copious levels of love for Michael Fassbender.

If the idea of me talking for an hour once a weak sounds unbearable, but you long for my Hemmingway quality of writing (that is a joke I probably my most outspoken critic of my quality of writing)  never fear there is more under the Cinefiles Anonymous umbrella. Each host will watch and review a movie once a week outside of the show, and write a 500-1000 critique of it. Each of us will focus on our unique specializations. Here is the writing breakdown:

• Peter Hogenson will blog weekly about film from a more technical perspective. He know a lot about editing, cinematography, lighting, ect. I know nothing about these things so I am very excited to read his articles to expand my knowledge of cinema as I grow ever interested in it. 

• Madyson Kendall has volunteered to put herself through something that no one should have to bear. She is very passionate about the literary cannon as well as film adaptation based off said cannon. She will be exclusively reviewing film adaptations of the classics (in other words... a lot of BBC and a LOT of Colin Firth.) It will be nice to have a resource to find the gems among the mess of cheesy masterpiece Theatre adaptations.

• What will I be doing? Well as I generated my top 100 films of all time there was something that became very clear to me. I am not very film literate. Therefore I will be diving deep into the film cannon and looking at the classics with a unique set of eyes. My theatrical training in acting and directing and love of Brecht should be an interesting counterweight to films such as The Godfather or Citizen Kane. 

All of these blogs of will post weekly with a hard reliable drop date. On top of that we will be peer review all our content and the goal is to have the writing at a more professional level than say a certain blog you maybe reading right now. 

I thank each and every reader for their unshakable support, without all of the positive response this blog has had over the past six months or so I would have never taken this bold next step in have a REAL fake internet job. I hope you stay along for the ride and I will  never forget my very humble beginnings as a guy who once listed as many Santorum jokes and I could think of.

Good Night and Good Luck

Will

PS Here is the every growing list of things I would LOVE to find the time to blog about:

• Republican National Convention
• Democratic Nation Convention
• Top 100 reasons I am NOT voting for Obama
• A theatre review of Batman Live! The world tour
• Why I think Fun. might just save pop music
• The merits of a liberal education today
• the list goes on and on and on